I feel the author of that statement did a great job in capturing the thoughts I have had floating around for some time. I just didn't have the ability to write it so clearly.
I will attempt to explain....attempt being the operative word here
You see, since I have yet to marry, Tuks has been the first human that I have made a long term commitment to that I have daily contact with. As much as I love her, some days are difficult. I am sure married people know this already, I, on the other hand, am learning. In my relationships when dating various men, or even some male or female friends that don't know how to stick in there, when things become tough, like disagreements, hard discussions, misunderstandings, my experience has been that the other person left...yeah, I know, not too good, and it hasn't always been my doing. I am kind of left standing there thinking doesn't any body know how to stay around and work through conflicts anymore. So I have no idea what a committed relationship looks like beyond my parents. But that has been too long ago to really remember it all that well. BTW I do have some long term friends that I have had 20 - 30 + years and I am very grateful for, and they know how to work through conflicts instead of walking away from them, I hope I never take them for granted. I still can't help but be amazed at the majority of people that I have chosen to allow in my inner circle, and then find out later that they were there only until a conflict arose. I know, I am making bad choices, no I did make bad choices, now I am making better ones. Kids do that to a person. Is this making sense?? Probably not, that is why I don't put these thoughts out there very often..LOL
So with Tuks being my first child and a baby upon homecoming, it was a first big step for me. I have had to work through the fact that she won't be leaving...meaning I can set down specific guidelines and rules within the household and even if she gets mad at me, she is still sticking around..again I know obvious, but it wasn't always to me. I have known people leaving... a lot.... So I have had to work through these irrational thoughts jumping around in my brain.
Also, when in conversation with various others about attachment, bonding etc., I have found that parents of bio-children have never had to give it a thought. The bonding just occurred in time with care-giving. The trust had never been broken so the attachment came quickly. So in explaining the attachment process, I have used the analogy that it is like falling in love with your child and the child falling in love with their parent. It happens over time.
In addition, when pursing the adoption of older children, namely Mim and Ve, I was very conscience of the fact that I wanted my older children to be somewhat similar in personality to either me or Tuks, or it will be a rough road for them. I am an odd duck in many ways. Now don't get me wrong, I am very comfortable being who I am, but I know when in contrast to others, I think and act differently than the mainstream. There are others like me, but there is not many others out there that enjoy the same things or feel the same way that I do. So I was concerned that children that had much of their personality formed would fit into our odd family. Believe me, Tuks fits in perfectly, it really makes me wonder about nature vs nurture because Tuks and I are many times two peas in a pod...scary but true..
My trip to Haiti put many of these fears to rest because in the little time I spent with them, I kind of felt that we all meshed...but what happens when they come home..it will be a marriage of four people whom on a daily basis will have to choose to stay committed to the family as a unit..that is after the initial transition attachment has occurred....scary, tough stuff, but so worth it!!
They say you grow as a parent, and boy am I growing........
