My Well is Dry

Lately, like for the last month I have been feeling an extreme amount of internal stress. It has nothing to do with Ve’s transition and Tuks’ adjustment. They are doing so well. It is ME that is really adjusting, grieving, conditioning hard.

1. I am grieving the loss of one on one time with Tuks.

2. I am adjusting to having two children in the house and all the extra energy that goes with it.

3. I am conditioning to the sense of responsibility that I feel for two and soon three children.

4. I am tired of the looks from others since I have no idea what thoughts are behind the looks.

5. I am exhausted from guiding Tuks and Ve through the journeys of becoming sisters in every way. They are acting very normal, but it can be tiring sometimes.

6. I am anxious and angry as to how little patience I have for naughty, disrespectful students. They have always been that way, but this year due to everything else, it is getting to me. I feel like I have been catapalted back into my first few years of teaching.

7. I am lonely because I know no one immediately around me who will/does understand my feelings and can listen without judgment.

8. I am pissed as to the amount of biased/racist actions I see around me and then when I express it, others (caucasians) try to down play or justify it.

9. I am tired of how many people from my past seek me out when they need me to listen and/or be there for them, yet I have had only one friend (W, thanks) in my town reach out to me offering relief if I need it. Usually people contact me because they want me to be the strong one and they can be the one with the needs. I have been avoiding those people for now because like I said, my well is dry. I have nothing to give them.

10. I don’t like the extra weight I am carrying around my waist even though I work out 3 - 4 times each week. WTF, I should just stay home for the good it is doing me.

12. I especially don’t like anything about myself right now, things like my mothering, teaching, or friendship skills suck .

13. I especially don’t like feeling all the things I have mentioned above because I know that in time it will pass, and 1 year from now I will forget all about today.

14. I am also tired of dieing to myself, once I recognized my weaknesses in parenting and probably in life in general, with the help of God, I have been working on extracting them. It hurts and is exhausting!!!

15. I am spent of trying to feel love for Ve the same as I do Tuks. My love for her gets stronger all the time, but I am anxious for the day that it is AS powerful as the love I feel for Tuks. GUILT is heavy!!!

Even though I read so much before the girl’s homecoming, the reading doesn’t ever include a person’s own unique set of emotions that they bring to the situation. The book presents facts, logical information, but it tends to be our own emotions that seem to determine how we adjust to changes. Changes, good or bad, bring all sorts of new and strong feelings. Add a little peri-menopause in there and whew, boy can it get messy sometimes.

Then,to top it off, rearing children is like putting a mirror up to your face and looking intently at one’s own weaknesses. Children have a way of bringing them out.

Two weaknesses that are getting the heck kicked out of them for me are: the lack of patience, and a high sense for me to control my surroundings. In order to survive this parenting chapter, I will need to become more patient, and less controlling of my surroundings. It is hard when this has been my life for over 20 years or more. I imagine this is what people go through when they first marry, but since I have yet to marry, I am going through it with my children. Ve is much more self-reliant than Tuks. I am not accustomed to this. I need to let go in some situations, and I find this hard.

In addition, according to Caesar Milan, I (all people) need to ooze to those around me (them), calm assertiveness. I think I ooze nervous excitement. If one can tell by the actions of one’s dogs, as Caesar has shared on his shows, then I ooze too much energy. My dogs are full of energy, my daughters are full of energy and so I will assume I ooze this to all around me. When I was younger with little responsibility and both parents were alive, my dogs tended to be easy going mellow companions. Yet since I have been adult, and the passing of my parents all my dogs have been full of energy and excitable. That has to be from me, feeling unsettled within my spirit and soul. I am glad I know this now because I should be able to rest in God’s peace and assurances to care for my daughters and me. I like my energy, but sometimes I ooze the wrong sort of energy, and that is what I want to work on. My hope is to give all that I have shared above to God on a daily basis. If you are the praying kind, would you please join me. Thank you! Help fill my well again......Please

Scary Stats

1. 651,000 people lost their jobs last month...I can't even imagine and my heart is aching for these people.

2. Most foods that people eat travel 1600.00 miles before it is served up to eat. This is another plug for growing your own foods or to buy locally.

Lastly, the leading vegetable eaten in the USA for children over 3 is.....

FRENCH FRIES (vegetable?!?!?!, really)

and fries are the number 3rd most eaten vegetable for children under 3.

no wonder obesity is running rampant in the our country.

Gourdmania

Gourd Update, 20 seeds have been planted in soil and just this morning I noticed one more to be planted...still no darn African Kettle Gourds..just not meant to be for me.

Imagative Play & Updates

One of the concerns of children coming from orphanages is that they do not know how to play imaginatively. The environment in which they have come from was not the best in which to encourage this type of play. Ve didn't know how to play with toys or imagine stories with toys when she first came home. But, now I would have to say her imagination is going full speed. Ve loves to play Mama with dolls, and doing her "babies" hair. The other night Tuks and Ve were re-enacting our bedtime routine all the way to the point of kissing the other good night and telling each other that they love each other. Ve was playing my role and Tuks was playing herself.

Now recently Ve's imagination includes her cat buddy Hubble. She calls him her baby and walks around cradling him as if he were her baby. Now that is some good imagination going on there. I also have noticed that Tuks imagination has expanded as well since she and Ve are more actively playing with each other than side by side. Of course this also increases "mine" squabbles, but it is certainly worth it to see them play so healthy.
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A FEW UPDATES

Update on my gourd seeds. After only two days, 8 seeds have sprouted long enough roots that I have potted them. Each day there will be more until I feel the remaining seeds are duds. It works this quick every year.
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Today, I finally mailed in the I-600 fee and the Visa paperwork for Mim. I had received an email from the Haiti USCI telling me that I need to send an additional fee since Mim was not biologically related to Ve, and to tell me there was a minor typo on the birth parent date.

A few days after I had received the above email, I emailed the USCIS office in Haiti, and asked if there was anything in Mim's file that may cause a NOID. This is an issue by their office that basically states that an adoption could not be completed due to some problems. Their response to my email was that there was no reason to issue a NOID, so we just had to fix these two minor issues. WHEW, was that a relief. So now I wait for the approval of the I-600, and then the issue of Mim's Visa. How long, only God knows that answer!!

FYI

I just want to say that my new header makes me HAPPY every time I see it!!!!! LOL

TukiLogic and VerbalVe

Since Tuks has been dry in her diapers for well over 3 weeks, I told her I was putting her into pull-ups at night for now on. She said "No more night time diapers?!" I said "yep, because you are stying dry, you can wear pull-ups" Tuks laughed, hugged me, and said "I am a big girl now, so....can I start using your toothbrush to brush my teeth?"
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Ve's interpretation of the word lady bug is babybug. I rescue them and put them inside the pots of my plants. So now the girls do the same thing and get all excited when they find one. Many times through the week I will hear Ve shout "Mum, Babybug!!!!!"

Hair Update5

Tuks being an ARTIST expressing herself on her face!!





















Today it took me 1 1/2 hours to put in regular braids on the front, side and back, and then MY FIRST attempt EVER, at french braids on the middle section of her hair. Granted it is, poorly done, but I am glad to at least made a step in the right direction. Unfortunately I don't believe it will last more than one week because it is not tight enough. Still so much to learn.


back. There are actually yellow beads in the back of her hair, but the flash from the camera washed the color out.



Front





















Tuks naturally had to have braids in her hair too. I'd rather just leave hers free flowing since she have these wonderful full waves that people have been known to pay thousands for, but she insists on matching Ve.

Since I planned the time poorly to style Ve's hair this morning, we missed church. I still have so much to figure out, but I feel like I am getting s l o w l y better with each week. I actually managed to get beads in this week WITHOUT breaking any threaders!!