The Good: The girls woke early, 5;00 am on a Sunday to find their baskets. Everyone was excited!! After church, all on her own Tuki built a cross out of wood and nails to represent what today is all about.
Ve and her basket
Mim and hers
Tuki with hers
Then we went to Uncle W's to spend quality time with family...and do a Easter egg hunt. Uncle W is real good at hiding eggs with clues!! The girls love it
The color of egg you choose from the basket is the color you hunt for.
The three wee ones after the hunt is over
Mim still looking
Resting Tuki
Happy Mim
Organizing Ve
The Bad; Ve lies, probably more than I even realize. I have given consequence after consequence, but she adapts well so consequences don't help very long. I had gotten to the point where she was no longer allowed to participate in sports due to her lying..My motto to the girls has been "Good things happen for girls who act good" Lying was not good, so no good thing like sports. There was even a time where her lying became very severe so I informed her that the Easter bunny was not going to be giving her a basket this year. She and the other two knew this was going to happen all the way up until last night. I have noticed that lately Ve seemed to be working on not lying, so I decided that I would tell the girls that I stayed up late to explain and plead Ve's case for her so that the Easter Bunny would give her another chance since she was working on trying not to lie. I also explained to them that I needed to be around so that our dogs didn't become worried over the big bunny in our house and attempt to kill the Easter Bunny (I of course was joking here, but it made for a jovial story)
Good question for me is, when the time comes how will I explain Easter Bunny and Santa Claus without the girls calling me a liar, the irony, some lies are universally accepted as Ok, while others are not...such a dilemma, Before I was a Mom I was not going to allow for this stuff but the pressure from other kids, school talk and commercials was too great, so I caved.
Ok, back to my sad tale; He, meaning Easter Bunny, according to my story.. agreed, and Ve received a basket. She was so excited and thanked me sincerely for talking to him....But, then later this morning she lied when asked a question and then again tonight, she tried to sneak a piece of candy up to her room..with a very elaborate laid out plan and tale hoping that I would not notice. We have talked many times that sneaking was just another form of lying. I was PO'd so I told her that her basket would be removed from her and soccer was done again, (she hasn't been in a sport since last fall) which is too bad since she is frickin' good at it. This may appear severe to some, but to me her lying is severe, as we have been working on it for over two years so she knows it is wrong to lie. I asked later if she thought it was the best choice to lie for 1 piece of candy, and lose soccer and the rest of her basket. She said no. I also asked her if she made the choice to lie even though she knew it was wrong and she would get into trouble if I found out. She said yes. I also know she will lie again...she always does and that is the deepest cut of all, I just can't seem to get through to her that lying is probably the worse behavior you can do to someone you love. I think she saw people she loved in Haiti lie, to her, to others, and even to themselves so I fear the behavior is etched very deeply into her psyche. It will take a looonnnngggg time or maybe not ever to remove the etchings
Tuks then tried to copy Ve about 15 minutes later with trying to sneak a piece of gum to bed. Her consequence, all gum will be removed from her basket (lesser sentence since she doesn't have a pattern of this behavior). Both were very upset, I am upset, but I am sticking to my consequences....At times I feel that Ve is learning, and then a situation like tonight. Her lies can be so planned out that I know they are not impulsive or fear based, just based on wanting something and designing a plan to get it. These are the worse kind of lies to me.. carefully planned out so well, it kind of scares me what will happen to her if I can't help her turn this around.
The Ugly: I sent them to bed early and crying, and now I feel like a heel that this all came down on Easter. So I get the bad Momma award and now I have to take candy away on top of it....
1 comment:
Aves I have no clue if you'll get this as it is an old post, but my daughter adopted age 8 has the same issues with lying. It drove me nuts and does. Slowly it is finally getting better but the reason why is I stepped up the attachment activities. More cuddles, rocking her at night, eye contact games, telling her hundreds of good things about herself and explaining about the impulsiveness over and over and over again. Lying is very common in children who are adopted at an older age and everything I read says consequences don't work (the heart of the lies they say is fear but I also think it is because of low impulse control and wanting ownership of stuff). I do still give natural ones - I can't trust you with candy so you lose your candy but that's it really. I don't have all the answers but thought I'd pass this on. Hope the lying is getting better - it is so so so so so frustrating.
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