Nightmare Day

Today was a day from He@@ for me. I have had bad times and days with Tuks before today, but it was at its all time worse at 11:20 am this morning. I had an eye doctor’s appointment, and almost the whole time Tuks was crying, and saying “no way” and spilling her milk. In addition, she had to touch everything in sight and she even shut off one of the machines. It was a nightmare. Every attempt I made to circumvent or stop the behavior only made the situation worse. I was frustrated with her, disappointed with myself for not finding a resolution and distressed because I knew she was disturbing others in the clinic. At one point I even took her outside and grabbed her shoulders so she’d look at me while I told her she needed to calm down, quit crying and be nice. See the irony here, I am stressed out and I am talking VERY sternly to her, that she needs to calm down..."yeah kettle calling the pot black Ma". This was not successful either, so I placed her in her car seat and she continued to sob hysterically. I debated as to whether to just reschedule the appointment, but then I told Tuks “If she wanted to go swimming this afternoon she had better stop all the hysterics” She started to calm down and eventually we went back inside and finished the appointment. I kept looking for the ladies who worked there to give me some sort of reassurance that it was alright, but what I received was tight lipped smiles and looks that I felt were screaming silently “SHUT YOUR KID UP, MY KID WOULD NEVER ACT THAT WAY!! Ok, maybe I don’t know if they were really thinking that, but that is what I felt they were thinking. Remember I was greatly stressed!!!

The doctor was great. He said that he had 2 kids, and that at Tuks age; all they wanted to do was manipulate the situation, like Tuks was doing. So I said’ “So the answer is to just ignore her” and he said “Yes”, so then I asked "what about all the people she is disturbing when she acts this way” He promptly said, remember this was his clinic Tuks was raising holy terror in, “Kids pick up real quick that they are in public, and so they raise the ante in bad behavior because parents are kind of stuck with discipline around others, so I just ignore all others and focus on what I am teaching my child” I then said, “so will this get better and easier” and he said “definitely. That made me feel a whole ton better.

My eyes were fine, no real changes, so I headed home, and promptly fed and put Tuks to bed. Obviously hunger and tiredness played a part in her behavior. Soon after she was sleeping, my friend C called and managed to talk me down from my boiling point. He even offered to take her fishing next week without me being present…Thanks C, great friends are a God send!!!!

The thing is since I have been back from Haiti; Tuks has been a real BEAR. Is it because she is 2 ½ years old, or because I was gone for one week, or I am just doing a horrible job at this mothering thing…many days this week I have been at my wits end, and felt like crying. I also know this is due to missing my girls in Haiti. Of course, with Tuks over-reacting to literally everything, I am second-guessing whether I will be able to handle 3 kids. I’m sure I will, but days like today will probably be more frequent and maybe even worse in intensity…..

The rest of the afternoon went fine, but it was just me and Tuks and she had taken a LOOONNGGG nap. I can’t wait for this phase to pass……

I have read that parenthood puts a spotlight on yourself. Kids can find your weaknesses,
and you realize things about yourself. Today taught me something that I have struggled with my whole life. My sister has told me that I worry far too much of what others think and feel about me. She had said many times that I need to let it go, and today showed me that again because I was so worried about all the people in the clinic thinking I was a bad mother, (bad mother for a badly misbehaving kid and bad mother for not being able to control my badly behaving kid) I really wasn’t focused on teaching my daughter how to properly behave, and I let it make me feel really bad about myself. Feeling bad about myself didn’t help me in helping Tuks be better at behaving…So it becomes a vicious circle. The learning curve for parenting seems to be so high…

I also like to appear that I am at all times "On top of things', meaning I can handle with ease that which life gives me. I was obviously NOT on top of things today, and in front of others, so that in itself put me WAY out of my comfort zone, therefore increasing my stress level even more... Another lesson learned, ASK for help, I don't have to pretend I have all things under control...actually I have nothing under control, especially a 2 year old!!!!

As My friend C stated today.
“ Parenting is a tricky thing,”…I so agree

Oh yeah, nephew C is racing tonight at 9:40pm PST.