My Well is Dry

Lately, like for the last month I have been feeling an extreme amount of internal stress. It has nothing to do with Ve’s transition and Tuks’ adjustment. They are doing so well. It is ME that is really adjusting, grieving, conditioning hard.

1. I am grieving the loss of one on one time with Tuks.

2. I am adjusting to having two children in the house and all the extra energy that goes with it.

3. I am conditioning to the sense of responsibility that I feel for two and soon three children.

4. I am tired of the looks from others since I have no idea what thoughts are behind the looks.

5. I am exhausted from guiding Tuks and Ve through the journeys of becoming sisters in every way. They are acting very normal, but it can be tiring sometimes.

6. I am anxious and angry as to how little patience I have for naughty, disrespectful students. They have always been that way, but this year due to everything else, it is getting to me. I feel like I have been catapalted back into my first few years of teaching.

7. I am lonely because I know no one immediately around me who will/does understand my feelings and can listen without judgment.

8. I am pissed as to the amount of biased/racist actions I see around me and then when I express it, others (caucasians) try to down play or justify it.

9. I am tired of how many people from my past seek me out when they need me to listen and/or be there for them, yet I have had only one friend (W, thanks) in my town reach out to me offering relief if I need it. Usually people contact me because they want me to be the strong one and they can be the one with the needs. I have been avoiding those people for now because like I said, my well is dry. I have nothing to give them.

10. I don’t like the extra weight I am carrying around my waist even though I work out 3 - 4 times each week. WTF, I should just stay home for the good it is doing me.

12. I especially don’t like anything about myself right now, things like my mothering, teaching, or friendship skills suck .

13. I especially don’t like feeling all the things I have mentioned above because I know that in time it will pass, and 1 year from now I will forget all about today.

14. I am also tired of dieing to myself, once I recognized my weaknesses in parenting and probably in life in general, with the help of God, I have been working on extracting them. It hurts and is exhausting!!!

15. I am spent of trying to feel love for Ve the same as I do Tuks. My love for her gets stronger all the time, but I am anxious for the day that it is AS powerful as the love I feel for Tuks. GUILT is heavy!!!

Even though I read so much before the girl’s homecoming, the reading doesn’t ever include a person’s own unique set of emotions that they bring to the situation. The book presents facts, logical information, but it tends to be our own emotions that seem to determine how we adjust to changes. Changes, good or bad, bring all sorts of new and strong feelings. Add a little peri-menopause in there and whew, boy can it get messy sometimes.

Then,to top it off, rearing children is like putting a mirror up to your face and looking intently at one’s own weaknesses. Children have a way of bringing them out.

Two weaknesses that are getting the heck kicked out of them for me are: the lack of patience, and a high sense for me to control my surroundings. In order to survive this parenting chapter, I will need to become more patient, and less controlling of my surroundings. It is hard when this has been my life for over 20 years or more. I imagine this is what people go through when they first marry, but since I have yet to marry, I am going through it with my children. Ve is much more self-reliant than Tuks. I am not accustomed to this. I need to let go in some situations, and I find this hard.

In addition, according to Caesar Milan, I (all people) need to ooze to those around me (them), calm assertiveness. I think I ooze nervous excitement. If one can tell by the actions of one’s dogs, as Caesar has shared on his shows, then I ooze too much energy. My dogs are full of energy, my daughters are full of energy and so I will assume I ooze this to all around me. When I was younger with little responsibility and both parents were alive, my dogs tended to be easy going mellow companions. Yet since I have been adult, and the passing of my parents all my dogs have been full of energy and excitable. That has to be from me, feeling unsettled within my spirit and soul. I am glad I know this now because I should be able to rest in God’s peace and assurances to care for my daughters and me. I like my energy, but sometimes I ooze the wrong sort of energy, and that is what I want to work on. My hope is to give all that I have shared above to God on a daily basis. If you are the praying kind, would you please join me. Thank you! Help fill my well again......Please