Even further South-Haiti-part 1

Some children at the O

Now for the rest of the journey... second part of my story.

After attempting to sleep in the Ft. Lauderdale airport overnight, I flew into Haiti at 9:30 am on Sunday. Unfortunately I wasn't picked up from Walls until close to noon. They were very late, and by the time I left I was the only passenger, and then make that the only white person left standing trying to look cool and collected while close to 100 or so on-lookers stood just 30 feet away from me behind a railing. Many cab drivers were ever so helpful, offering to drive me, but I had to keep saying "no thank you" because I was advised NOT to take the cabs. This was the scariest part of the trip, after this, it was all smooth sailing in regards for safety and security. I had even attempted to call Walls, but found out when I arrived there, their phone was out for the day..just my luck.

Soon after Nicolson helped me settle in my room, I asked to be taken to the O, so that I could give them my tote of donations and let Marie know that I had arrived and if she could please let Hawk's mom know I was there. This was so she could arrange for him to come by the O. I went back to Walls, took a nap, in hopes of making up for the night before because I wanted to be feel energetic and clear minded for the next day.

The next morning we, N, L (N's 15 year old daughter), A (19 month old daughter that N was adopting) and I went to the O. Many kids were brought out and N handed out gifts for specific children that other aparents had sent. A little later, Hawk's mom arrived with Hawk. He was painfully skinny, maybe 10 - 11 pounds. I held him for a while, he cried when his Mom placed him into my arms, but then quickly stopped because I don't think he had much energy to keep up the resistance. I cuddled with him for awhile and then I changed my mindset to "Logical" and did the brief exam that my pediatrician said I should do to help determine his health and development. All he could do, was kind of sit, as long as my hand was at the base of his spine. Forget about cruising, he couldn't even bear any weight on his legs. The poor guy is 15 months old on July 5 and he was developmentally at maybe 6 - 7 months. His head circumference was 17 1/4" and my ped said minimally at his age should be 17 3/4". It was heart wrenching and I could tell the mom REALLY wanted him placed in a secure home with amble food and medical attention. This is when it became hard for me.

I thought about my active lifestyle, my single status, my daily responsibilities, 19 month old Tuki, the fact that depending on the time of year the adoption is completed I will at best get 3 1/2 months or as little as 12 weeks off of work. I just knew with Hawk's condition, and our family dynamics, that we were not the best fit for him, I know there is a "best fit", and according to many other aparents that these severally malnourished kids rebound and do very well...but it takes time, and alot of assistance when they first arrive home. I don't have a lot of extra available time, and I don't want to slight Tuki of her time either. Plus the unknown of what if he did sustain long term cognitive problems...would Tuki then be placed with the burden of taking care of him for the rest of her adult life..etc., OK you can see the way my mind was spinning. Plus, three other people at the O advised me not to pursue his adoption because he was still so sick. Their philosophy was .."when there are so many relatively healthy kids who do not have homes, why adopt a child that is very sick with no guarantees" Now this may sound cold, but please remember I was making a decision for my whole family and I had not allowed myself to really bond with him because I needed to stay logical..which for me, I tend to make decisions led with my heart, so it took alot of energy to stay in the decision making mode to lead with my mind.

We stayed at the O until around noon. It was then that I informed Marie that I could not continue with Hawk's adoption. I did ask her if there were other children at the O that did not have families, and she said yes, so I arranged for a time that I would return after dinner to come back and meet the other available children. So, until I returned, I was in a deep soul-searching frame of mind..........hoping I did the right thing for everyone. I pray that Hawk will become healthy and find a home.