Sistas!!!!!!!!!! We are Family!!!

School was canceled due to the wind chill. I guess somewhere in the state it was a
- 52 degrees.

Tuks and her sisters. She knows them by name and can point to each one when I ask her where sister...... is.
We can't wait until they are home...

I plan to print these and send them to Haiti. Granted I should have combed Tuks hair out of her eyes, but I was just glad to get her to sit long enough, and hold the pictures for me to take the photos.

80 degrees

40+ degrees this morning and predicted that temperature will be - 40 degrees (with wind chill) tonight!!

80 degrees difference, all in one day...To quote one of my Dad's sayings....


What in Sam H*** is going on???????

Fur Buddies

It was warm today, actually about 40 degrees warmer than last Sunday. But we didn't go sledding. Rather, this afternoon we played outside for about an hour or more and then had a good time indoors the last few hours of the day.


Tuki's red bike that I had bought her as an impulse gift for Christmas. Yesterday, I was pushing her around in it and telling her to alternate pushing with her legs. I thought she was getting the hang of it and I was feeling like I really taught my daughter something wonderful, when she all of a sudden, she looked up at me and said "Mama", I said "yes, Tuki", She said "Mama" again so I just knew it had to be good and then she said, as she was pointing and sticking her fingers into my nostrils. "nose". I imagine from her perspective, it was all she could see when she looked up was my big "ole" nostrils. I had to laugh because it reminded me of the classroom. I think I have this great lesson, and the kids are riveted to their seats with wonder, and then a hand goes up with a look of eagerness on their face, and I say "yes Johnny" anticipating the in depth question I will be receiving, and then Johnny says "is this an "A" or "B" day?


Tuki slowly picking away the chocolate from her cookie. She loves the dogs hanging around her at all times. I watch them like a hawk, so there is no danger with food aggressiveness, plus none of my dogs have EVER exhibited it with people, but I still watch. The next thing I know the cookie is gone, and I ask her "Did you give Einie (her fave dog) the cookie" She gives me this most guilty look on her face and then I ask again, and she says "Yes". Little stinker!!


Twirling to Barney's ABC song. "A" appears to be her favorite letter so far.


More twirling


Being silly and "puckering up"


Here she is sticking her tongue out


Singing in the microphone.


Kissing her buddy sMurph, or AKA by Tuks as MEOW

Sledding

Woke up tired, probably because I finally went to the "Y" 3 times and then again today. Tuks actually asks to go the the "Y" now which makes it easier on me, plus now I don't really have any excuse NOT to work out. I am also using all my hunger, nervous energy from the adoption process to push for great workouts. I am not only running, but also lifting weights again. So today, worked out, napped, and then sledding in the afternoon around the yard and visited neighbor A. It is warmer here today and tomorrow is suppose to be even nicer, so I may take her to the nearby sledding park and go for an hour or in the afternoon.

Hungry

I have not been a good blogger lately.

It is because I am hungry, hungry, hungry, HUNGRY...for some news about Panda's file. Cheetah's file can not go into IBESR until Panda's moves out.
Yeah, that's right OUT!!!
Several other people's paperwork has been moving, but several of us are still waiting. I am really very happy for those that are moving, I truly am, but I can't help but scream
"WHAT ABOUT US!!"
I am joking here so please no one take offense, but sometimes it is good to let out a good scream now and then. If you have never tried it..go ahead give it a go ..............
yeah, ............right now, go ahead and do it ............
there.........., doesn't that feel better.
I know I feel better.

Thanks for listening.

One of my Heros

is Martin Luther King, Jr.

I first really learned about him, studied, and became in awe of him while in high school. I admired him standing up for his beliefs against the strong opposing opinions of the majority. He did it peacefully, even though it created war and anger among others. He did it passionately even though many were complacent believing it didn't affect them. He did it with his entire being, even though it finally took his life. He did it for all of us, even though he did it because he knew no other way.

He was an example of how one should live.

It may cost us our life, but live a life to make a difference, not just a life to make living.

Birthday Girl

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NIECE E !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
who lives down south in Louisiana.

Our Home Town

A neat photo of model trains. It looks better than our out of doors. A girl can dream can't she.

The last four to five days have been busy and cold. Saturday it was -15 degrees and now today it is -17 degrees. The busyness started Thursday night. We all gathered together at my brother W's house for his birthday celebration. It was a few days early, but he wanted to keep yesterday open for other activities. So the evening started around 5:30pm...Tuks usual bedtime. We stayed until 8:30pm. I thought for sure my day care provider would curse me on Friday, but Tuks was good as gold. Today is another story..LOL. Anyway Tuki had the opportunity to go snowmobiling. She went once and then she was all done. She may have gone more if I had driven, but I didn't want to drive the machine at night with Tuks on for the first time. It has been 20 some years since the last time I had driven one and it just didn't feel like the time to get comfy again. So she went with her Uncle J and cousin N. So once was enough for her.


She is sitting in the middle. Notice cousin N's face mask. Poor thing I'm not sure she could see a thing. We had the best belly laugh once we had seen this picture..after the fact.


Tuks all tucked in.

Then Saturday night Tuki and I went to our school's play. It was really inexpensive for the two of us. Again it started at 7:00pm..way past her bedtime, but I wanted to see if she could handle it. It is my hope to take her to plays in the future to get her a little accustomed to theatre. A love of mine. The first time I had gone in my life was when I was a freshman in college and fell in love with it. Anyway, it was an experiment gone bad. Naturally being past her bedtime, and then another late night within the same week. It spelled disaster from the beginning, but I had to try. She was spell bound for all about 20 minutes, then it was talking loudly, even though I prepped her for whispering, and moving all over, standing on the seat. I took her out once to remind her of proper behavior, we went back in and she had the whispering down, but the movement was at an all time high. I'm sure due to her being overly tired. We ended up going home about 35 minutes into the evening. So a question...When is a child old enough to be expected to sit still during a quiet performance and/or church service????

Today we didn't go to church because it was so cold this morning, but then once it warmed up, I took Tuks to a collector's railroad show. Not much there, but it was interesting and she enjoyed it. She loves trains for some reason, so we spent about and hour there watching the trains. It is a hobby that would require too much detail for me and I usually don't do things that are tedious. Just no patience for it. Maybe Tuks will acquire that kind of patience, but it isn't in me.


A guy concentrating on adding cars to the length of the train.


Watching a train zoom around a track.

My Dad

I am sharing some heavy thoughts and posts lately. If it is too heavy, or a downer for you, I can understand, but I have decided that since this is my blog and our journey in becoming a family I wanted to share some of my inner thoughts and struggles. Lately, I feel the Holy Spirit of God tugging on me to purge much of the junk that has been holding me back from having a truly joy-filled life. Basically get rid of my baggage so that I don’t bring it to our family. My thoughts of my parents, the loss of the wildlife center, and bad relationships were hidden away in a tightly sealed container in my inner soul. I think it is all gone until something or someone brings something up, and then I react in such a strong way, yet it really has nothing to do with the current situation, but rather those feelings that I thought I had sealed away.

So here I go purging again………….

Fifteen years ago today, my dad turned 58, and then not quite 5 months later he died of an unexpected massive heart attack. I always knew my mom wouldn't live in to my adulthood, but I never imagined I would lose my dad too. I was 29 when he died, soon to be 30. Even now I find it hard to talk about him. He wasn’t perfect, but he was to me. The few times we didn’t get along were unusual. I could share literally anything with him…I mean anything. We were father and daughter and friends. Whenever my mom would get really mad at me, she would say, “you’re just like your dad”. I loved hearing that, and we were just alike. Granted he didn’t like it when I became a vegetarian, or that me, being a farm kid, marched on Capital hill against animal cruelty, but he accepted it and he loved me. He taught me to think for myself, to make my decisions and stand up for what I believed in. He taught me much of this through him living out his beliefs. He told me that he knew “that whatever I put my mind to, I would accomplish it”. I still miss him terribly. My mom’s death created a wound, my dad’s death created an abyss that I would not get out of for years. I can’t even begin to express my emotions over his loss simply because I’m not that good with my emotions. I have a tendency to turn pain into anger. I can handle the angry thoughts; I can’t seem to handle the painful thoughts. All my siblings deal with it this same way, and we also have our own issues with loss. I think because we have had much taken from us, without our consent, we tend to hang onto things much longer than what is healthy for us, because we don’t want to lose anything more. We recognize it, but still not so good at dealing with it.

The biggest negative result of my dad’s death was my reaction to male relationships. In reflection, I acted like a girl that has never been loved by a father, and was seeking love anywhere that I could receive it. Of course, I had felt the unconditional love of a father, but I was spiraling downward in reaction to the loss of that love. I entered in many unhealthy relationships hoping to gain the unconditional love I had with my dad. On top of that I couldn’t let them go after I realized how destructive they were because I couldn’t deal with another loss. Yes, a very bad cycle. I have broken the cycle, but now I am dealing with not allowing myself to care for any man, anymore, because I don’t want him to have my heart, for fear he will abuse it like the others. I am friends with many, intimate with none. If I even start feeling any loving thoughts or emotions towards a man now, I get angry and pull away. Does that sound like “attachment disorder” to you? It does to me; only mine is manifested exclusively towards adult men. That is why I am currently working through this “junk”. I want to be able to love a man, like I love my daughters, so that I can provide my children with a father, if the opportunity arises. I don’t want to be the one to ruin it for my girls.

I hope I don’t sound too messed up to you, because I really am OK. The fact that I am talking about it, means I am looking at it from the outside and looking at it, rather than being smack dab in the middle of it and left speechless.I also feel that in order to move forward one needs to recognize the problems, heal from them and then move forward. Keeping them locked up hasn’t done me any good. Talking about them through my blog is therapeutic for me. Plus keeping them before the Lord in prayer and letting him have the emotions, and asking that no matter how he wants to deal with the healing, I will continue to give it to him. I want what is on the other side of the pain, a strong, loving, committed relationship with a man, not with just anyone, but my soul mate. Yes, admittedly, at this time, I want it more for my daughters. I have learned to care for myself just fine, but my girls would benefit from a dad. I know this because my dad meant the world to me.

So if you pray, please pray for the Lord to heal my heart and mind, to make them whole and to prepare them for the love of a good man, and to help me to become a good woman for him as well.

BTW – my purging isn’t over yet, so beware of future posts…LOL

Minature Earth

SHOUT OUT TO Brother W--
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and

Friends T & S just arrived home with their son J from the beautiful country of Guatemala. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

Another great video clip..keeps things in perspective.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=seMqcijEi9o&eurl=http://manytimesblessed.blogspot.com/

WOW................

Powerful...a black womans smile

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPBH57BWhpE

So, why Haiti

for my second and third adoptions.

It was about this time last year that I started really getting serious about a sibling for Tuks. I knew, always knew, that I did not want her to grow up being an only child. We have a wonderful relationship and quite honestly I could go on like this forever, but she won't stay young forever and I won't be alive forever. Considering the loss of my parents, and how I leaned on my siblings, I just knew I wanted that to be available for Tuks as well.

I didn't consider Guatemala the second time for many reasons, but of course the most pressing was that the laws were going to change and I didn't think it would still be open for adoptions when I thought I could afford the adoption of another child from Guatemala.
It has proven to be correct thinking because we all know the changes in effect.

So then my second leading country was Ethiopia. I really liked the idea of traveling there again and seeing more of the countryside this time. There is such a need with the children. I could bring home another healthy baby. The process wasn't very long and it is affordable. BUT the thing I didn't like about it was the travel time and cost of travel. You see, it is my goal to bring my children back to their birth countries at least twice, if not more, before they graduate from high school. I knew it was easily possible for Tuks returning to Guatemala many times, but I didn't think I would be able to afford several trips to Ethiopia for a family of 3 or 4. So that meant it wouldn't be fair for the kids in how many times we went back to their birth countries. Fairness was the big tipping scale for me.

I started looking at Haiti. Geographically it is around the same latitude as Guatemala, just located more east. Again there is such a need for children to find permanent homes. I could do the process independently instead of using an agency. The process was affordable for me sooner rather than later, and since I was/am no spring chicken I again wanted to start sooner rather than later. I had made the decision that I didn't mind that the children would be older when they came home, because it would make things financially easier on me by not having two kids in day care for many years. Plus, I enjoy older kids as much as babies, but it would require me to get educated on older child adoption adjustments and issues.

At the time I started the process, it was quoted that total length of time was 9 - 12 months by the time the children come home. It is not so any more, but I am mostly OK with it. I keep telling myself that I can relax and enjoy more alone time with Tuki before she has to learn to share me.

The adoption wait for Panda and Cheetah has also allowed a perfect platform for Tuki and I to talk adoption. We talk about her sisters in Haiti, and also about how she was born in Guatemala and adopted into our family as well.

Maybe I was led to Haiti as much as I was led to Guatemala, I don't really know. What I do know is that once I had found my children, then I fell in love with the country, its culture, and its people.

Another moving article concerning adoption and returning to their birth country

http://www.parade.com/articles/editions/2008/edition_01-13-2008/Finding_My_Daughter

Mom

Today, we had the laziest day I have ever experienced since Tuks came home and I didn't feel one bit guilty. The week passed quickly, and apparently I didn't have a need to say much since I have little postings.

But, today, I feel the need to mention that 24 years ago today my Mom turned 50 years old, and then 2 months and 6 days later she passed away after a 15 year battle with cancer. I have been alive 3 years longer without my Mom than I had lived with her in my life, yet as all mothers do, she left a profound mark on my life. My memory of her is from the perspective of a 20 year old, a time when one rebels a lot and is trying to find their way in life. Our relationship was not always the easiest. Though our characters and values were similar, we just had different personalities in our approach to life (at least at that time in my life), but my Mom was a loving, nurturing mother, who was extremely loyal to her friends, family and husband (my dad). She also laughed hard, enjoyed life, loved with her whole heart. She was feisty, fought a good fight (if there is such a thing) with the cancer and lived with dignity even though the illness ravaged her body with each passing year. She made our house a home, and made us a family. I would say she probably knew me better than any other living person has, again like mothers do. I miss my Mom, and my greatest sense of loss is that we never had the opportunity to enter into the Mom/daughter friend phase. I was 20, turning 21 years old when we lost her. It is like I missed a normal, sequential developmental phase, and I got stuck there looking for a mother figure. For years I have/had befriended women that were 20 some years older than me, I think subconsciously looking for that Mom/Friend guiding relationship. Naturally, it never quite worked that way.

I would also call the day she died the day that I started experiencing major internal upheaval with discontentment with my life. Nine years later my dad died and then other major happenings occurred soon after that. My discontentment lasted until this past year. I'm not saying that I haven't enjoyed life, I have had the fortunate opportunity to meet some wonderful people, travel to some incredible places, work some challenging, yet adventure filled jobs. I'm just saying that I have always felt like a chunk of me was not "there" in the moment. I was always in this land of "numbville", sad, observing from afar, waiting for that peace and inner joy to return. That's not a good way to live. If you had known me, you would have been hard pressed to see the sadness, I was good at covering it up with joviality, my true nature, so you can imagine how I hated being sad. My sadness started slowly disappearing once Tuki was home, and my family started to be rebuilt again, and I started healing. I have a ways to go, but I have also come so far.

I pray daily that my girls birth parents are protected, and healed from this all encompassing sadness that may take a hold of them because of having to place their beloved children for adoption.

I also admit, I do fear that my daughters will experience the same feelings for as long as I did from their losses. I hope my memory from my pain and losses will help me help them through theirs, so that they can grieve deeply, and thoroughly enough to be able to move on. I think sometimes we want people to get over losses quickly so that we don't have do deal with their sadness. In the long run, it does no one any good. I also hope that I can be the Mom to my girls that I feel my Mom was to me and the rest of my siblings.

Now, of course after I have become a Mom, my other sense of loss entwined with her death is that my girls will never get to know their amazing grandma. It is one of my goals to make her a memory for them by telling stories of her life.

Yet Another Interesting Article about adoption

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/factsandarguments

Squirrelly

Starting to feel as nutsy as a squirrel waiting for news from Haiti!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good News

Today another parent is traveling to Haiti to bring her two kids home from the O. It is always sweet to see children come home.....................................

Pushing the Comfort Zones

Today was interesting .

It started out with another doctor appointment trying to get my sinus infection eradicated. They finally gave me a stronger antibiotic and I can feel the difference after only a few hours. I was on amoxicillian for 10 days in early December and it didn't do a thing.

ANYWHOHA....then Tuks and I went to the Y for a work out. It felt great to get yet another good run in and no more soreness. My goal is to workout 3 days a week and then on Saturdays. I gave it a test try during this short week. The test drive involved picking up Tuki, giving her a snack and then having her play at the Y for an hour while I worked out. In the past she wanted nothing to do with this. Come to think of it neither did I. It did work fine this week so maybe she is old enough and I am relaxed enough to handle yet another hour playing with other kids being away from Mommy. I will take it day by day, but I know that I really need to work out more than I have in the past 2 years during the colder months. I am a better person after a good run.

I digress from this day...so after Tuki woke up, I fed her lunch and we packed up for sledding and tubing at a town 45 minutes from here. We were planning to meet up with a statewide group of Guatemalan adoptive parents and their kids. It sounds fun doesn't it....well here is the kicker, there was only 1 other adoptive family there with their 8 year old daughter. Tuki and I went down the tubing hill once, she was laughing, giggling and seeming to have a good time, but when I asked her if she wanted to go again she said no. She wanted to go on the slide instead. So we played on the swing set for the last hour there, and it was here that we finally ran in to the other family, as they were leaving because they were tired of trying to find other families and continually coming up empty handed.

Remember my NY goal..step out of my comfort zone and interact with more people?? Well this was my first attempt. I would say good internal attempt, but OK external rewards. The family was great, very friendly and people I would like to get more acquainted with, but I guess I was expecting MANY families. Oh well............However, I did get on our local list for the families. So hopefully I will be able to meet more in the future.






Tuki getting brave.


The tubing hill. It was tall and the ride fast. The last time I stood on a snow covered hill was the time I blew out my knee while attempting to down hill ski. My heart was pounding and I was a little nervous but Tuks pushed me through. Another break through for me. Kids will make you do the darnedest things


Tuks pushing her comfort zone by becoming a dare devil with the slide. She came down it in every direction she could think of.

BTW---playground are a good way to meet single Dads...no nothing to report, but it was an eye opener!!!!

Today also marks 4 months in IBESR with Panda's file.

Great Website on Transracial Parenting

http://www.nysccc.org/T-Rarts/T-Rarts.html

I am still working through all the articles!!!
Good stuff, yet sometimes difficult to take it all in...

Dreaming

of hearing two important pieces of information.

1. That Panda's file is out of IBESR and onto Parquet.

and

2. Receiving the number representing the fact that Cheetah's file is in IBESR.

I can't check the yahoo group until I get home and each and every day I think "today will be the day", but it hasn't been the case as of yet.

So for now I wait.

Having good thoughts and trying to trust in God's timing...................

Character-compassion

So far I am aware that two of my three daughters have a compassionate/sweet character. First is Tuks. Obviously I interact with her everyday and I can see amongst her 2 year toddler "tude" that she is a sweet compassionate little girl. She knows how to take turns, says "sorry", "thank you" and "please" quite well and in the right context. Care givers at church, daycare and the "Y" tell me all the time how sweet and good natured Tuks is. I call that inner beauty. Yes, she does have a fiery temper, but it isn't long lasting and maybe with more word accumulation she hopefully will be able to express her anger in a more appropriate way.

Then, I saw Cheetah's compassion in one of her more recent photos. I have drawn blue arrows to help you in take this all in. Cheetah is bent over caressing (with her left hand) a younger girl's cheek who is obviously crying. You can hardly see Cheetah because she is so involved in this little girl's pain. Totally beautiful, and this time again I mean her inner beauty.

I am not saying Panda doesn't have this quality, I just haven't seen it in the photos yet or have been told of it by other visiting parents. I guess I will find out once she is home...all part of the fun!!!