My Dad

I am sharing some heavy thoughts and posts lately. If it is too heavy, or a downer for you, I can understand, but I have decided that since this is my blog and our journey in becoming a family I wanted to share some of my inner thoughts and struggles. Lately, I feel the Holy Spirit of God tugging on me to purge much of the junk that has been holding me back from having a truly joy-filled life. Basically get rid of my baggage so that I don’t bring it to our family. My thoughts of my parents, the loss of the wildlife center, and bad relationships were hidden away in a tightly sealed container in my inner soul. I think it is all gone until something or someone brings something up, and then I react in such a strong way, yet it really has nothing to do with the current situation, but rather those feelings that I thought I had sealed away.

So here I go purging again………….

Fifteen years ago today, my dad turned 58, and then not quite 5 months later he died of an unexpected massive heart attack. I always knew my mom wouldn't live in to my adulthood, but I never imagined I would lose my dad too. I was 29 when he died, soon to be 30. Even now I find it hard to talk about him. He wasn’t perfect, but he was to me. The few times we didn’t get along were unusual. I could share literally anything with him…I mean anything. We were father and daughter and friends. Whenever my mom would get really mad at me, she would say, “you’re just like your dad”. I loved hearing that, and we were just alike. Granted he didn’t like it when I became a vegetarian, or that me, being a farm kid, marched on Capital hill against animal cruelty, but he accepted it and he loved me. He taught me to think for myself, to make my decisions and stand up for what I believed in. He taught me much of this through him living out his beliefs. He told me that he knew “that whatever I put my mind to, I would accomplish it”. I still miss him terribly. My mom’s death created a wound, my dad’s death created an abyss that I would not get out of for years. I can’t even begin to express my emotions over his loss simply because I’m not that good with my emotions. I have a tendency to turn pain into anger. I can handle the angry thoughts; I can’t seem to handle the painful thoughts. All my siblings deal with it this same way, and we also have our own issues with loss. I think because we have had much taken from us, without our consent, we tend to hang onto things much longer than what is healthy for us, because we don’t want to lose anything more. We recognize it, but still not so good at dealing with it.

The biggest negative result of my dad’s death was my reaction to male relationships. In reflection, I acted like a girl that has never been loved by a father, and was seeking love anywhere that I could receive it. Of course, I had felt the unconditional love of a father, but I was spiraling downward in reaction to the loss of that love. I entered in many unhealthy relationships hoping to gain the unconditional love I had with my dad. On top of that I couldn’t let them go after I realized how destructive they were because I couldn’t deal with another loss. Yes, a very bad cycle. I have broken the cycle, but now I am dealing with not allowing myself to care for any man, anymore, because I don’t want him to have my heart, for fear he will abuse it like the others. I am friends with many, intimate with none. If I even start feeling any loving thoughts or emotions towards a man now, I get angry and pull away. Does that sound like “attachment disorder” to you? It does to me; only mine is manifested exclusively towards adult men. That is why I am currently working through this “junk”. I want to be able to love a man, like I love my daughters, so that I can provide my children with a father, if the opportunity arises. I don’t want to be the one to ruin it for my girls.

I hope I don’t sound too messed up to you, because I really am OK. The fact that I am talking about it, means I am looking at it from the outside and looking at it, rather than being smack dab in the middle of it and left speechless.I also feel that in order to move forward one needs to recognize the problems, heal from them and then move forward. Keeping them locked up hasn’t done me any good. Talking about them through my blog is therapeutic for me. Plus keeping them before the Lord in prayer and letting him have the emotions, and asking that no matter how he wants to deal with the healing, I will continue to give it to him. I want what is on the other side of the pain, a strong, loving, committed relationship with a man, not with just anyone, but my soul mate. Yes, admittedly, at this time, I want it more for my daughters. I have learned to care for myself just fine, but my girls would benefit from a dad. I know this because my dad meant the world to me.

So if you pray, please pray for the Lord to heal my heart and mind, to make them whole and to prepare them for the love of a good man, and to help me to become a good woman for him as well.

BTW – my purging isn’t over yet, so beware of future posts…LOL