Redo...............

Ok, to continue on with my earlier post…..I have been in a funk lately. The not getting any substantial news on my daughters in Haiti, tons of snow left on the ground, not totally settled as to what school I will be teaching in next year, will Panda be home before CC season, should I go to Haiti this summer, or wait until the pick up trip, etc., etc., many many things rambling around in my head. Yet the worse of them all is Isaac’s death. Now let me explain, before you think, well get over it already.

As you all know as a parent, and then a single parent, we are juggling a lot of balls in the air at any given time. A LOT of balls. If we keep moving, and as I say to my students “keep our head in the game” we can manage it. But, if one ball drops then it kind of messes with all the other balls. Isaac’s death, or I should say the cause of his death was my “dropped ball”. You see for some reason, and I can’t explain why, just didn’t keep up with it last year; Isaac wasn’t protected from ticks by my usual application of Frontline. So a tick that happened to have been carrying erhlichiosis bit him, and Isaac, who happened to be a Doberman and middle age, came down with the chronic form of the disease. Doberman Pinchers and German Shepherds are statistictially higher in developing the chronic form. So I have been living with the guilt of knowing that I killed my beloved dog, and on top of that, it was a long-suffering illness. He was my dropped ball, and it broke into a million pieces, never to be put back together again.

This scares me….

I will drop the balls again…

Tuki not chewing her food was freaking me out simply because my natural response is to ignore it, let her work past her phase, while explaining to her that she needs to chew. This is how I have handled every other phase, calmly work through it until the phase has passed, but then I remembered how I was too casual with Isaac, and now it was Tuki’s teeth on the line… yes, I was over-reacting because I am fearful of what I didn’t do.

I will eventually have to forgive myself for Isaac, eventually, but it wasn’t his fault, but he paid the price for my mess up, so it will take me awhile to let it go.

And then of course, I think to when all the girls are home…a lot more balls, and I will have to work even harder to keep them in the air…..and this sends a little fear down my spine. I will adjust to 3 daughters, we will eventually function as a family, but oh I pray that the next ball I drop is minor and I can call a “redo”.

I so wish I could scream “redo, redo” when it comes to my actions with Isaac……if only…..