The answer is MARIGOLD..but what was the question?

Taken by another visiting adoptive parent.

Many subjects and thoughts have been whirling around in my mind about what I'd like to blog about. It usually happens during my morning run. Oh yeah, I started running again after a 3 month hiatus. I figured it's time since cross country season is right around the corner. The problem with the thoughts is that I usually forget them by the time we arrive home. Speaking of forgetting things... it took me 3 days to remember the word marigold for the flower. I would look at it and say, now what is the name of that flower again. It finally came to me while I was falling asleep one night. Scary!!!!!!!!

What I'd like to talk about is Panda. I'd like to talk honestly from my heart. If you struggle with my words, I apologize, but just remember I am growing and I will become a better person with each passing day, because my kids are counting on it.

When I went to three countries in Africa 7 years ago, like I had mentioned in an earlier post, I traveled with 14 other people. What struck me on that trip is that I never felt white among all the native Africans. I remember wondering why I didn't feel similar to what I have heard black people say they feel in America. I never did figure that out. I have also been to Guatemala twice and Mexico once. Again I never felt white. Was it that I was so accustomed to being the majority that I never questioned my stance? I don't really know....

But, what I do know is that when I went to Haiti, I went alone. The first time I have traveled alone to another country in which I was the minority. I felt WHITE. On the plane to, in the country, and the plane ride back, I was the minority. Plus I didn't speak the language. So I had a hard time communicating with others. We did manage, but I really, no we (meaning whom ever I was talking to) had to work at it.

What struck me when I met Hawk and then Panda, was that in Haiti, they blended in. One among many. In America, especially where I live, Panda will stand out. She will be noticed strictly based on the color of her skin because our black population in our town is around 1.5%. She will be stared at and we as a family will be stared at. I admit I will struggle with this for awhile and probably even become angry at times. Among all the other emotions surging through me in Haiti, that was one I was and still am wrestling with.

My doctor that I have been seeing for 17 years, was originally born in Jamaica. He has married a Caucasian woman and they had two children. I had both in my classroom. During my physical for Panda's adoption, I asked him how much racism he and his family felt in our town. He said it is there all the time. He assured me angry feelings will be the norm for quite some time. He also said I need to teach my kids to be proud in who they are, what they look like and teach them to realize that they are more than the image that other people want to place on them. Teach them to be stronger than the words and actions hurled at them. Good suggestions, now how do I do that..I hope it will come to me as the situation arises.

It is a big, scary and unworn path for me. I have been working at it already, but I have a feeling that the path as a parent will have many unforeseen twists and turns. I know God will equip me to parent my children, I just pray that I listen real closely to what he is saying.

Even now I find myself crying over different situations that I feel I handled poorly with Tuki, and we're not even dealing with any big stuff yet. It is times like these that I really miss my parents. They could and would give me and my children suggestions and support.